Yet

"I wish I could see the looks on their faces

I wish I didn’t end up one of those “cases”

Been there to hold their hands

I wish I didn’t ruin their plans

I never wanted to hurt them, I guess it’s what I do best

I thought that finally, my fears would be put to rest

I thought maybe I was over it, that it was gone

I thought they were selfish when they told me to hang on

I thought I’d felt the worst

I didn’t know my paradise was accursed

I didn’t think I could feel this kind of pain

I thought I’d broken the chain

I thought I was doing the right thing

I didn’t know their cries would sting

Not just for me but everyone else

Didn’t think they’d try to find a pulse

I didn’t think they cared

They didn’t see I was scared

I didn’t think they would cry

That I wanted to die

I thought I could hide

I thought if I tried

One day I would be okay

I thought it’d go away

I held on for as long as I could

But my flame was already out for good

Prayed that I wouldn’t destroy

This is a game I don’t enjoy

If I could see them now and remake my choice

I would have spoken up and used my voice

I would have told them and asked for help

I wouldn’t have let those demons develop

I would make the choice to stay

To wake up and face every day

To fight and to try

To not die

I never knew that they really would care

I would have told them I would try, I swear

I thought I was just a burden

I would have told them I was hurting

I would have hugged them and held them tight

I would have kept going and continued to fight

I would have laughed and cried

But instead, I died

It wasn’t my fault, the demons were too strong

That something was wrong, so wrong

Nothing I took made me forget

That maybe I didn’t have to go yet

But it is too late now

I know they’ll ask how

What is done is done

Please hide the gun

It isn’t their fault they couldn’t see

It isn’t their fault they couldn’t save me

I was my burden to carry

Now it’s my body they bury

It was my soul I sold

Now it’s my body they hold

I decided to end it that night

Now it’s their turn to try and fight

I wasn’t worth it, so please move on

Don’t cry that I’m gone

I thought I was going somewhere better

Now their tears stain my letter

I apologized and told them I’m fine

The fault wasn’t theirs, no, it was mine

I told them not to worry, that I was safe

Don’t remember me, I was just a disgrace

My life didn’t matter, it was a waste of air

I told them that I wasn’t important there

I wish I didn’t have to say that

I wish there was a welcome mat

But instead, all I got were a new set of chains

They built back their kingdom from my remains

Life isn’t fair and I wish I would’ve seen

How they tell me how much I mean

But it’s too late now, the fight is over

Please don’t let their grief take over

I won’t see them where I am, but I will never forget

Knowing that I didn’t have to die yet"

Written by Malin N. Hohenberger