Crying in the Ground

"It lived under my bed where no one would look

I think they’d say it was safer than the pills that I took

The tissues and towels all hidden underneath

With every cut, it gets easier to breathe

Don’t let them see, I told myself, they’d take it away

Maybe they wouldn’t notice my skin ashen and gray

I had many others in different shapes and sizes

Anything to keep away the virus

One of them lived on me, gracing my ears

I needed something, anything to kill my fears

I found peace only in the steady drip-drip

Maybe sometimes in the occasional sip-sip

The bites they leave will never go

I don’t mind, I kinda love them though

It drives me insane, crazy, and mad

It isn’t in a bottle so it can’t be that bad

Just one I say, then I’ll stop

But the demons come nonstop

Just a little blood, that’s all I need

But it is never enough, always wanting to bleed

Never too deep but never enough

This is the way I made myself tough

I wanted to the pain to end, to die

But I didn’t deserve to say goodbye

I wasn’t perfect but I craved to be

I wanted to be one in a million not one of the same fish in the sea

I wanted to be better, but I couldn’t stop the pain

I thought I could stop but instead, I split the vein

I thought I was strong

I thought that they were wrong

The blade had been my friend

Promised me an end

Helped me feel better

Helped me write that letter

Gave me satisfaction, gave me the means to live

But it was just a distraction to take what I’d give

It wasn’t my friend, my real ones knew

They begged me to, but I wouldn’t let them through

Just a little cut was all it would take

To get me hooked and bring me to the stake

Wanting to die but I didn’t deserve it

But somehow my veins were still slit

Every time they took it I’d get another

We were attached, couldn’t live without the other

The pain should have killed anyone right away

But I suffered day after day

I hear them up above saying I didn’t deserve to die

I hate to see them sad, to know I made them cry

I’m not in the sky

Because I chose to die

I chose to end the fight

That one tragic night

Line after line

I finally saw the sign

The one that said peace

That my pain would cease

I chose to give it all up

Taking my last sip from that cup

I thought I was done with the bottle

I thought I could stop going to the brothel

I thought my life had turned around

But here I am, laying in the ground

I blamed myself for everything that happened

I was waiting to hear that awful snapping

I took the last pill

As my blood started to spill

I’m sorry I was worthless as they used to say

It was all my fault and now I must pay

I thought I could stick around

But no, here I am crying in the ground"

Written by Malin N. Hohenberger