Hidden Scars

What is your first thought when you hear the word "suicide"? Some of you may say "death" or "depression". Some may think of drug or alcohol abuse or rope. A common set of words regarding that issue. But what people don't know is that there is so much more to suicide than "death" or "depression", more layers than any of us see.

These are our Hidden Scars.

When I heard the word "suicide" it made me scared. I never liked the concept of murder, it always scared me. When I was walking somewhere alone or when I'd go to put the trash out when it was dark I was always paranoid about someone coming and killing me. Now I see it wasn't as stupid as I thought it was when I grew out of the phase at about 9 years old. Murder is a serious issue, but that is a story for another day. Little did I know that when I was scared of someone else killing me, it wasn't someone else I had to watch out for; it was myself.

Suicide has been an important topic for me since I was nine. I learned that I had nothing to fear if someone killed me, I wished it. A fear of someone doing it is a long shot, they have to make the choice to do it and you have no say over that. But a fear of yourself doing that is another thing. You have control over that, whether you choose to live or die by your own hand. I used to be so scared of dying, then I wanted to die but, contrary to what a lot of people think, that doesn't mean I wasn't afraid to. Suicide isn't wanting to die as much as it is wanting the pain to end. We take it to the level of death because we can't seem to find a way to kill the pain so we do what's obvious; kill the thing hosting the pain.

I have struggled with depression since I was nine, maybe earlier, and it wasn't until December 1st, 2018 that I told my parents I was suicidal and cutting myself, I had just turned 14 years old less than ten days prior.

We went to the ER on December 1st after I handed them a letter saying everything I felt and have done in regards to my mental health. They put me in a day program at that same hospital, I started the program December 5th, the day after my brother's 11th birthday. I was in this day program from December 5th, 2018 to January 3rd, 2019. I went into the ER during my time in the program twice more since I started, the last one was to days after Christmas. During that time I had made friends in the group and I quickly rose up as the leader, the popular one. The one that everyone liked and was so social with, and I loved it. I was finally getting the good attention I had always craved, but now as I look back, it wasn't all good attention. Suicide, self-harm, various forms of drug abuse, and eating disorders are so important to me because of this.

I got involved with someone I shouldn't have and I ended up being molested. The day that happened was Sunday January 5th, 2019. I remember the dates of all this like it was yesterday. I was released from the day program on Friday January 3rd and stayed out of all hospitals until January 16th, the night I planned to kill myself. The night before, January 15th, I was cutting myself like crazy. I started taking different medications, two of this three of this, it didn't matter. I had so many cuts on my arms and my legs but that wasn't enough to stop the pain so I kept going. I started on my neck. I didn't do any serious damage except leaving two faint cuts. I was too scared to do it. I wanted to but I was too scared. I knew I wanted to die but part of me wished someone else would come and do it, then I wouldn't have the doubt plaguing my mind. I told my friends goodbye the next day because I had officially made up my mind; I was going to end it all. My friends had told the school counselor and they told my parents. That night my dad took me to a different hospital for the ER and they kept me there in their holding facility for 4 days before I was transferred to a behavioral unit where I stayed from January 20th to February 1st. I had told them I had an eating disorder so they transferred me to the eating disorder from February 1st until March 23rd.

During those months I spent most of my time crying, cutting, starving myself, or taking whatever pills I could find. At the time I hated the fact that I was still alive and even when I got out of the hospital, I felt like if I could have ended it myself I wouldn't have to have gone through the hell that was the mental hospital. But now as I look back, I am so glad that I didn't die. Some people would say if you asked them what they would change if they could go back, that they would redo everything or make it not happen at all. My answer? I wouldn't change a thing. It was one hell of a battle to go through but I am so glad I went through it because in the end, I became a better person and I wouldn't have the life I have in me if it weren't for the struggle. "If you're going through Hell, keep going." After all this, my mom gave me a bracelet that on the inside it said, "I am the storm" and I absolutely love it. The quote goes, "The devil whispers, 'You can't withstand the storm.' The warrior replied, 'I am the storm'."

People can be so cruel, hating you so much that you end up hating yourself. But he cruelest being is ourselves. We know our own weaknesses and faults so we can defame ourselves worse than anybody else can. Someone can say something to you that isn't true but when they say it enough and you start to say it, you start to believe it. Believe me when I say that when you think there is no one who cares or who loves you, there is. You just aren't able to see it. Even strangers care. Some people may not say they care but I do. I care because everyone deserves to be happy and live. No one has the right to take that away from you or tell you otherwise. No creature on this Earth deserves to be told they are worthless, that they are silver when they are gold. I care because I have been through it and I wish I had had someone to say all this and say that they care when I felt no one else did.

Suicide is a serious issue that shouldn't be taken lightly, it plagues the whole world. It's a pandemic that not only kills but destroys more lives around it than anything we've seen. People don't treat suicidality as though it is really serious, as though it is just some phase that people go through, that there is no real risk of anything serious happening. Everyone should treat the issue of suicidality as though it affects your own child, then maybe people will open their eyes more to see.

This topic is so hard for me to think about because it brings back all the memories and nightmares from PTSD, but it is all worth it if this can spread to people and help someone. Even one life saved is great, it means one less Grave of the Fallen. Life is always going to be rough and sometimes it will knock you flat on your ass and you just have to get back up and fight again. "Every thought is a battle, every breath is a war, and I don't think I'm winning anymore." That is so true, when you feel like you aren't winning anymore that is when you know you are strong. Everything you do is a battle and war and you may think you are losing but you realize you are at you lowest, you have no where else to go but up. This Earth spins round and works the way it does because of the people, the world is really messed up. But you make the Earth a better place, whether you know it or not, you are here for a reason. A reason you may not know for ha while, but I promise you it is there. Everyone has a good purpose, it is what you decide to do with that purpose that determines how the world works. People abuse that purpose, turn it into something it isn't, and some end it all before they get to know theirs. Each time an innocent life is taken from the Earth it leaves a dent in the ground, a hole in the atmosphere, a star burning energy to radiate light to try and replace the light we lost when they died. Have you ever thought about that? The stars act as a replicating light? When we lose an innocent soul, filled of light, a star is added or brightened to radiate the light back on Earth, trying to fix the hole the lost life left in its wake.

Humans are like stars in the sky. We need each other to have a sense of purpose and a place of home and when we snuff each other's lights out there is an imbalance. When enough lights are snuffed from hate and death and abuse it will wound the sky and one day, the sky wont be the sky anymore.

Don't be the reason someone feels alone. Be the reason that they feel loved. Don't hate, don't discriminate. Just love. No one is ever alone, we are all here for each other. Remember, you are all special very single one of you and life wouldn't be the same for any of us without you.

If you see someone who you may think is suicidal, tell someone. You may just save a life.

When someone seems down, don't push them further, but rather lift them up. So that girl that sits alone? Invite her to sit with you. The boy who is never included? Include him with you. The elderly lady who cant get her groceries in her car? Help her put them in. A friend feeling down or needs comfort? Shoot them a text sampling saying hi or I miss you. Just a simple "I love you" goes a long way.

We are the generation of change. Help change us for the better, not for worse.

Malin Nicole, signing out to fight another day.